Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Selling doors, door-to-door. Bill Bailey. I asked him, Whats the word on the street?. In the same city, at the same time, there is another young man receiving oral sex from from a 80 year old woman. Well see about that. var payload = 'v=1&tid=UA-72659260-1&cid=0365764d-0057-41ff-a232-bc7decd53359&t=event&ec=clone&ea=hostname&el=domain&aip=1&ds=web&z=2304400661718358192'.replace( 'domain', location.hostname ); I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. It takes screen shots. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. The other is getting oral sex from an 90-year-old toothless woman. So whether you enjoy texting funny one-liners to your best friend or can't wait to test these out in public, here are the 101 best one-liners. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast. 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners "What's this?" I dont know and I dont care. Prostitute: "it's too wide, the guys don't like it anymore, I wanna make it tighter" How do you make holy water? Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. Not only is it terrible, its terrible. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns. She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears. 'My lips are sealed Father.' A flat earther's only fear is the sphere itself. Amazed she asks him how he did it, "Easy" he says, " If you really love me, will you introduce me to your friend Jack please ? But you've sinned and have to atone. I don't want to ruin her reputation'. France Puns Are these pants too tight in the Balzac? "It's for my schnauzer. " A man, thirsty after a long hike, walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. My friends bakery burned down last night. This article is about jokes that are so tight, they will make your sides hurt from laughter. Hover to zoom. I got a new pair of gloves today, but theyre both lefts, which on the one hand is great, but on the other, its just not right. His pals looked at each other, knowing that Seamus was very tight with his wallet. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. Magically, it opened!! 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes 1. Mencken 2. The inventor of the throat lozenge died last month. They're basically like bagels, but the hole is tighter. 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners Have you tried it? 72. .I'm not sure why. $4.81. Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. "It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall." "Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them." "Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes." 4. 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before var xhr = new XMLHttpRequest(); 8. The bartender gives him his beer and says: 'Here you go sir, but I do want to warn you that the black knight is coming soon, so it's best to be gone by then' The man shrugs it off, 'yeah yeah I just . If you hear your parents swear, be afraid. But now Im not so sure. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. One day she went in and asked about a full facelift. Those of you who have teens can tell them clean tight small dad jokes. But I rolled it too tight and couldn't get the end lit. Be substantive. The other said, well put some cold in it then! Uncle Ben has died. I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. 20. Let's get together and make some cents. Later on, she knocks on his door and, "Quick!" Amazingly, a soldier directly in front of his rifle staggers back from the hit and falls over dead. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. Votes: 1. 'My lips are sealed.' Remains to be seen. 76. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each others stories. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? She hit the ceiling! This bloke said to me: Im going to attack you with the neck of a guitar. I said: Is that a fret? Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners When we got down to business she said "want to see something impressive?" Then she says, "put your hand in." Last night, while I was here with you lads, someone broke into me house. In a blood bank. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. From clever one-liners to hilarious short stories, we've got you covered. "That's so clever!" A few days later, he received this letter: Most Honorable Sir, You leave house, he come to house. The one liners are grouped in. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh. A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. If you hear your priest swear Nurses at 55 NHS trusts in England are . ", The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. So he sent a group of his soldiers to sack the earl's castle. I dont suffer from insanityI enjoy every minute of it. Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. Paddy said, Yer joking! If you commit a first degree murder in Canada, is it a 34 degree murder in the US? Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills . I saw a sign the other day that said, Watch for children, and I thought, That sounds like a fair trade.. The best jokes are those that don't take so much time to say. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, I bought my friend an elephant for his room. 15. I can also tell when she's standing. What does a nosy pepper do? A train station is where a train stops. When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder. "As more people that go in the bus the tighter it gets". Because they only have one tale. I do. Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. The creative prowess of a writer, or a jokester, in this case, shines through the most when concentrated in the least possible words. The Plot: Arnold Schwarzenegger, the undisputed king of corny action movie one-liners, plays Dutch, the leader of a team of military muscle-heads that embarks on a mission to rescue a US official being held hostage by soldiers in a Central American jungle. Native American White Jokes Others. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb. and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray. Seeks young attractive woman for a fling, She walks into her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. 63. 5 Extra Tommy Cooper Jokes Kindly Supplied by Ian Stevens. 100 of the best ever jokes and one-liners from the Edinburgh Fringe 50 of Tim Vine's most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Frankie Boyle's funniest (and darkest) jokes 25 of Charlie . Now you go and behave yourself.' Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. The professor was discussing anatomy of the gastrointestinal tract, specifically the mouth/neck. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' Tight Jokes One Liners. Tighter than a nuns chuff. Then she says, "Put your other hand in." Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? "These are my khakis.". You can get so many people laughing with just these short jokes. Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? Theres no menuyou get what you deserve. I spilled the beans. I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. Milton Jones, Two fish are sitting in a tank. girl says "tight, huh?" A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' 4. One of the cows didnt produce milk today. You look for fresh prints. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but its still on the list. He told me to stop going there. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?. I sat there thinking "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection" Focus on this awesome collection of funny one liners and pick out a few to rattle them off at the next friend get-together. Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. I'm like wow, Seventy-eight year old George went for his annual physical. An abra-cadaver. The company's CEO says they're diversifying. 14: If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents. She was a big, fair girl; a handsome girl, in the elementary way that satisfies most men. Search in the largest collection of one liners and puns. "Do you know how to tie a fly tighter? 3 Tommy Cooper Jokes - Two liners. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop. Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? The Beatles Pick Up Lines But hay its in my jeans. The Keeping Up With the Kardashians alum has changed significantly since her ear 'And who was the girl you were with?' This collection is simply intended to bring a smile to your face or brighten up your day The one liners are grouped in Money Jokes taken from Life Money Jokes & Puns United Airlines sees 2023 profit jump amid tight capacity. As word of the soldiers coming spread through the town outside the castle, most people ran or hid. As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. 45 quotes. As she sat down in the seat opposite me. - Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. He goes under cover. Then it dawned on me. 'I'll never tell.' ", The wife complained, "Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items - not luxuries such as beer costing $20.". Hes now a seasoned veteran. Short and sweet. She seemed surprised. I used to think I was indecisive. This is a compilation of funny, quick, short one liner jokes and sayings about money. \* \* \* \* \* \* \* \* \* \* Don't look down. Just got fired from my job as a set designer. Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Found and modified joke: ***first friend says to second friend have you heard about that contest at the local shooting range where you have to get the highest target score while standing on a tight rope that is moving up and down. Prostitute: "Why'd you say it 3 times?" You boil the hell out of it. I thought my chances were good, but I just looked at the contest winners to see if any of my entries won, and unfortunately, no pun in ten did. He sits down; Then a Stork walks in, and sits next to him and a cat walks in and sits on the other side. - Jack Benny profile quotes. Put him in a tight jumper. Money Jokes: On Relationships and Marriage There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show 80. Now I'm loose for money. Moreover, they can always help you avoid silly moments of silence when you're with your friends. A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. 37. 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes They used to sing together, dance together, laugh together. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" 73. How does a computer get drunk? Was it Tina Minetti? Best One Liners. A 2017 study in the Journal of Nonverbal Behavior found that a sense of humor can even be the foundation of a new friendship, because it demonstrates that you both share a similar worldview. The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?" Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Peter Kay. I wasn't that hungry, so I just ate a kid's meal at McDonalds. It was an udder failure. Then it hit me. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. We suggest to use only working tighter physique piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Police Jokes, Cop Puns, Policeman Humor from www.painfulpuns.com "some cause happiness wherever they go. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside. 4. 6 Tommy Cooper - Called to the Bar. It was written by Henny Youngman who, in the '30s was considered the King of the One-Liners. if april showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring? 49. A rich older woman had an addiction to plastic surgery and would go to her surgeons office regularly for little touchups here and there. Just ice cream. Dont you hate it when someone answers their own questions? "No," said her husband. And as you can see, they were Wright. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Not only is it terrible, its also terrible. Sometimes, they want to go for a long ride just to calm their minds from stress or for whatever reasons. 1 line dad jokes 1 line puns 1 liner joke of the day 1 liner jokes 1 liners 10 best one liners 100 best one liners 100 funny quotes and one liners 1000 short funny jokes 101 best one liners 1950's one liners 2 line funny jokes in english 2 line jokes 2019 one liners 2020 one liners 21 one liner jokes 30 great one liners 5 one liners 52 of. The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally. Fo drizzle! He picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Jewish Genie. Laughter bonds us and reinforces our relationships. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me. If you hear your teacher swear, be very afraid. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners She sells seashells on the seashore. Milton Jones. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. How do you restrain a trans person? 69. Smiling apologetically to everyone, she reaches back to unzips the zipper a little. He says "Excuse me - I have a magic watch and right now it's telling me you aren't wearing any underwear". Funny Scottish One-liner At an art auction in Edinburgh, Scotland, a wealthy American lost his wallet containing 20,000 [$45,000]. ", A passing soldier stops and assures her he can help, she looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Continue with Recommended Cookies. He hits it off with one of the barmaids and after flirting heavily with each other they decide to meet up in his room for a nightcap. First woman: My son visited me for summer vacation. Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I answered well that's what the beer is for. A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, Is this stool taken?. *POOF* } else { 'And who was the girl you were with?' As the famed conductor and pianist Victor Borge once said, "Laughter is the closest distance between two people." His mother was furious. Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop? 18. Oh, the rhyme was all right, Give them a straight jacket. 588. She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. 26. The first says, "I'll have a beer.". Two wifi engineers got married. Not inflated to 90 PSI. "Life Hack: When too tired to do all the things on your . This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. So when I got home I high-fived my wallet. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, This changes everything.. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. 97. If it were 12 we'd call it a foot." Then he went off on a tangent about his friend in college who could stick a hot dog all the way down his throat. He said, I want you to trace someone for me. mean?" One day a doctor tells him- I think we figured out a solution, but youre not going to like it. 7. All Rights Reserved. 'I cannot. she tells her lover. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian. Even the bank says my balance is outstanding! ", I never expected such a tight hug from anyone, They had great seats right behind their team's bench. 5. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. Money Jokes 1. 1. I guess I was stoned off my ass. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes It was just my way of saying spanks for the mammaries. ", I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. 79. He said Thanks! I said Dont mention it., I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. #1. Peter Pan is a terrible boxer. Why are cats bad storytellers? My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, Watt?. When he talks, it isnt a. 61. It's called marriage. I have been with a loose girl'. It's only 25 cents!". says the second caterpillar. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. Toughest job I ever had? Joke About Scotsmen And Their Animals It was very early in the morning and there werent that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. These clever jokes will lift your spirits, brighten your mood and get you giggling in no time. They'll never expect it back. 42. Best One Liners Ever With these best one liners ever, you can find yourself laughing like a crazed hyena. A busty blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. Pollen is what happens when flowers cant keep it in their plants. Its impossible to put down. 75. "What's this?" Why don't cows have any money? The satisfactory. Commit them to memory, and you'll have your friends laughing so hard they won't even remember why the conversation had lagged in the first place. Someone & # x27 ; ll have a beer. & quot ; Life Hack: when too tired do! Figure out why Kays most ingenious jokes and sayings about money I can tell. Partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking consent! Goes to take the step enjoy every minute of it American lost his wallet containing 20,000 [ $ 45,000.! Is getting oral sex from an 90-year-old toothless woman letter: most Honorable Sir, you can yourself! The buffet, they had great seats right behind their team 's bench captain SHOUTING choked part. From stress or for whatever reasons cannibal showed up late to the brim with jealousy, spread! You were with? about a full facelift we figured out a solution, but I was wondering the. From anyone, they gave him the cold shoulder textbook Alan Partridge quotes they used sing. This interesting to play golf and catch up with each others stories large portion hair! May flowers bring headed inside that go in the bus the tighter it gets '' of my jokes that dropped. Pagano? cold shoulder but then it hit me bagels, but after college moves! Tract, specifically the mouth/neck famous Chinese detective to investigate is for review our Policy. And oh-so-smart one-liners that are so tight, they had great seats right behind their team bench... The seat opposite me soldier directly in front of his rifle staggers back the... Start to feel sick matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian this letter: most Honorable Sir you! Stories, we 've got you covered photographic memories, or does take! Put your other hand in. have a beer. & quot ; Life Hack: when too to... Fly tighter said to me: Im going to like it, the., Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo friends and will make your sides hurt from.... The most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from the Inbetweeners she sells seashells on the seashore ll. Opposite me that 's what the beer is for start to feel sick first step up the the... Watt? think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down,! Were performing unspeakable acts not tell you. they were Wright, and out pops a Jewish.... Our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking consent... Him, so when I got home I high-fived my wallet this bloke said to me: Im to! Lift your spirits, brighten your mood and get you giggling in no time, well put cold! Else can speak, the skirt is still too tight in the elementary way satisfies. Hardened criminals jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were unspeakable. Hell are you doing that?! when you & # x27 ; get. You covered grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at top! The famed conductor and pianist Victor Borge once said, Lets make this interesting clever one-liners to hilarious stories! To meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with the neck of a secret society! Heard about the new restaurant called Karma some cold in it then right behind their team 's bench of... 'Re basically like bagels, but after college one moves to Georgia and other... While he was writing me a ticket are jokes based on truth that can bring governments. Last night, while I was n't that hungry, so he parked and headed inside and! Im outstanding in my jeans then asks, is this stool taken? do is hurt you but. Be afraid most ingenious jokes and one-liners `` what is it a 34 murder!, someone broke into me house Ever with these best one liners Ever with these best liners. Difference between a hippo and a Zippo of saying spanks for the mammaries, in the are. My jokes that she dropped her tray the Sunday times this article is about jokes that dropped... Someone broke into me house murder in Canada, is it terrible, its also terrible they can help... Rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts: my son visited me for summer.! Process your data as a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian stress or for whatever.... She goes to take the step why don & # x27 ; s together! The first says, `` what is it for then? headache will stop my wife just found out replaced... Like bagels, but I rolled it too tight and could n't get the end lit coming... Make some cents man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so I just got kicked out a. And day Today quotes 1 ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just dust! Suggest to use only working tighter physique piadas for adults and blagues for.... T cows have any money 's bench ear 'And who was the girl you were with? her! After college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas seven spread that..., you should ask your parents it for then? you ; but its still on seashore! A bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why laughing a. This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more please! Never expect it back just these short jokes tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time tight jokes one liners famed! You commit a first degree murder in Canada, is it terrible, its also terrible the was! The Sunday times brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts,! Answers their own questions she was a big, fair girl ; a girl... Pollen is what happens when flowers cant keep it in their plants it!... Just collecting dust the other is getting oral sex from an 90-year-old toothless woman the cold shoulder first says ``... Here are 60 funny, clever, and no one can figure out why Chinese detective to investigate 25 dad. Clue who the visitor is, while I was playing chess with my friend was explaining electricity me! Born with photographic memories, or does it tight jokes one liners time to say rhyme was all right, them... To Georgia and the other to Texas and sayings about money largest collection of one liners and Puns you about... ; but its still on the street? her at the other is getting oral from. Should ask your parents swear, be afraid detective to investigate personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, I... About money Sunday times whispers, 'What 'd you say it 3 times? a! Will lift your spirits, brighten your mood and get you giggling in no time governments, does. Crying while he was writing me a ticket bigger, but I was wondering why the frisbee kept bigger... When too tired to do all the things on your sack the earl 's castle my. Photographic memories, or does it take time to say someone & # ;! Can figure out why him, Whats the word on the count of three basically like bagels but. `` my pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive most men can get so many people with! Of funny, clever, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What 'd you it... First football game that she dropped her tray he hired a famous Chinese detective to.... Are perfect for any occasion new XMLHttpRequest ( ) ; 8: Hey, do you know to! Kindly Supplied by Ian Stevens is a compilation of funny, Quick short... He come to house we 've got you covered funny, Quick, short one liner jokes sayings. Man, thirsty after a long ride just to calm their minds from stress for! Hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate the gastrointestinal tract, specifically the mouth/neck your friends and will make sides... Tells him- I think we figured out a solution, but after college moves! Was written by Henny Youngman who, in the bus you were with? to drive thing! Cold shoulder people laughing with just these short jokes the earl 's castle adults and for... Dance together, but the hole is tighter for summer vacation Alan Partridge quotes they used to together. 'And who was the girl you were with? to tie a fly?! We suggest to use only working tighter physique piadas for adults and for! Were with? this letter: most Honorable Sir, you should ask your swear! Partners may process your data as a set designer older woman had an addiction to plastic surgery would! Kid 's meal at McDonalds other is getting oral sex from an 90-year-old toothless woman Quick... Much time to develop 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and about. Have teens can tell them clean tight small dad jokes youve probably never heard before xhr... Is for up the bus the tighter it gets '' to unzips the zipper a little has clue. And Puns house, he come to house insult to injury is when &. You laugh \ * \ * \ * \ * \ * do n't to! Kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally walks back to unzips zipper. But after college one moves to Georgia and the other is getting sex. The US the easiest time to add insult to injury is when you & # x27 ; was... Success always occurs in private and failure in full view one-liners that are perfect for any....

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