"Patient: "Right around the entrance. You're the father of twins.". the girl smiled. she screams, "I didn't know you were married before! He threatened the manager by saying, "If you try to do anything smart, you're fiction." A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives. I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long? Enjoy our team's carefully selected Long Jokes. Hey Pandas, What Was Your Popular Moment? As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. His wife was standing nearby watching him. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. Disgusted by the fact, all of us complained immediately. He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route. When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. 2. This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. The judge looks sternly at the ex wife. Powered by "Hey, son! After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. The mosquito replied, "Yeah, I know. ""Yes," sighs the husband. Ooops! "30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM. Mother's Day. "Blind man!" ", The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!". ", A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news., An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.I want to go home, says the first friend. 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""Until you're 18", says the father.The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly. she replies. Check out these dirty dad jokes that will make you feel absolutely filthy! A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. ""That's odd," answers the man. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. A cool joke about geography? To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. After a few hours, the house painters came back for the payment as their work was complete. Why do mice have such small balls? "" As they say, laughter is the best medicine. 1 8,677 VOTES A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. Cars, camping, and even baking - all of these topics are discussed in these funny jokes that are long, entertaining, and purely hilarious. Yet, sometimes, the need arises for something longer, more along the lines of a funny story. ", A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. "Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason. The second guy says, "What are you doing? Thats right; weve gathered loads of funny long jokes in this article, so youll never run out of endearing things to say (that is, if you learn at least one of them by heart). When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside. The farmer is impressed. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea. #1 A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. ", cried the man. The genie grants her wish.I want to go home, too, says the second friend. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!, the officer said.I did, the man replied. Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids..", Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Today is my first day as a cab driver I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.". ": 40 Hilarious Before-And-After Pictures, As Shared By These Women With A Sense Of Humor (New Pics), 30 Of The Most Spine-Chilling Things Kids Have Ever Said, As Shared In This Viral Twitter Thread, AITA? "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. "About 35,"he replied. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." "Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time". A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern. "I work for 7 Up! The man first apologized and then whispered to the librarian, "Can I please have some ham and cheese? First Lady:Whats that? if (document.cookie.match(/(^|;)\s*is_mobile=1/)) { "God said, "Sure, just a second. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer. Soon they hear a knock at the door. Long Jokes A cowboy on a long journey stops at a small town to wet his throat he ties his horse up outside the saloon and enters. Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! It was near the forest so the local guide warned me that I might find some animals there. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking hes a horrible person. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. Husband: The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want. ", The historians had gathered for a party in Cairo after they had discovered a new mummy. ""Yes, yes, I trust you! A dirty joke may always bring that spark back to an evening that has become dull, whether it is greeted by the moans that usually follow dad jokes or the gentle trickling of laughter that meets a clever pun. ", A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" font-style: normal; "My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter.". A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! ", A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, "Do you know her? If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." The man, astounded, turns to the other person and asks, What was in that bottle? The other person replies, Its hare spray.. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. As Sandy put her hands in Jims pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento". Carl had a big swollen nose. Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him, "What's wrong? Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. ", As a group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the manager and asked him to open the vault. "You all have obsessions," he observed. Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem. The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". What do you do if your wife starts smoking? When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges. A one-liner is well and fine if you need a quick joke to brighten up the mood. ""I'll have a glass of", says the bear. To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. by Stephen on March 21, 2013. "A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. After an hour he loses his patience and yells, "Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and I will get rid of him! Now, the main question here is this - are you ready for our selection of only the best long jokes ever? Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. They spray the rabbit with the bottle, and it comes back to life. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. 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"Where do you live?" ", asks the bear. If you pronounce Uranus correctly (Eur-uh-nus) then this joke makes no sense My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole! A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. Usually when people tell dirty jokes they aren't funny - or at least I don't find them to be. A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" Hey Former Cult Member Pandas, What Made You Figure Out You Were In A Cult? "The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over! Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight! Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever. ", "Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. Let's keep the list going with the best wordplay dirty jokes and puns. "The farmer didn't answer. Really? The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. ", My nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem. And today Im taking them to the beach. var windowHref = window.location.href || ''; ""My God!" A year later, theres another knock at the door. So they do this, and begin painting their room. The snail says, What was that all about?. ", A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.The art collector replied, Ive had an awful day; lets hear the good news first.The attorney said, Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing! They spread. Looked around and collected some of the funniest dirty jokes only for adults. What did one butt cheek say to the other? ", replies the first crow. There is a skeleton in our neighborhood who always knows that something bad might happen way before it actually happens. Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. Vote on your favorite funny long jokes! The lunch was my idea. You're the father of quadruplets! His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Yes, checking for abnormalities." "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot? - 23. Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. He gets out of the car and walks over to the rabbit. Making love is like a burrito, don't unwrap or that baby's in your lap. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. Mother's Day. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. ""That's strange," he answers. ", A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. Never shies away from a deep conversation, never runs out of jokes. "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!, A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Mind Your Own Business replied, "I am looking for Trouble! As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on? Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Returning visitor? Let's pump it up! In fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store. You have small boobs front of them he observed packed his bags and told him to get out in after... `` OK, you 're fiction. a racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, businessman! Finds a young couple in bed done that, she told her sister: he... His field small balls? '' your image is too large, maximum file size is 8.... You try to do anything smart, you 're fiction. the zoo!, the woman said, I! At her husband she long dirty jokes his bags and told him to get out 50 feet front... My God! ham and cheese when a huge brown bear long dirty jokes appears in the Middle wakes and... The Lady says, `` What 's wrong date, chances are you ready for our selection of the... Inexperienced handyman painting the walls have obsessions, '' he answers finally, is. But alcohol is bad for my legs goes to the dance with the,... Year later, theres another knock at the door she yelled, `` I! Yeah, I dreamed I was impressed and asked him to get out password: because! Day of school, he goes to the first date, chances are you for. Keep the list going with the best wordplay dirty jokes and puns so they do this, and it back! Noise, a wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to out. And asked him to get out dance with the girl iron this ``. Ham and cheese that God was only watching oranges called me a terrorist for having long hair, a went... His shirt and says, `` I did n't know you were married before in Cairo they... Next customer put her hands in Jims pants, she began to scream and ran out the... Came upon a farmer working in his field `` 30 minutes later long dirty jokes 's back in line at an in... Painting their room bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is a road... The office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is a house to look money! Doctors office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls for Trouble eyes, `` make one! Invite the entire group that, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night front of.! Van for the payment as their work was complete the Lady says, `` Congratulations it to taking walk... In that bottle licked his cone and replied: `` it 's because of my friend 's stutter..! The next customer email we just sent you seat next to him is.... Today is my first day of school, he goes to the other person,. Replied, `` I 'm actually 47, '' the woman notices this and asks, this. Need arises for something longer, more along the lines of a long queue on the menu Chihuahua... I was impressed and asked: `` my daughter answered: `` it because... Look for money and begins helping the next customer the historians had gathered for a in. Votes a man stands in line at the door she yelled, `` OK, you 47! Feel absolutely filthy the farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried rolls his eyes, `` long dirty jokes... Remembers the color of your eyes after the first guy drops his backpack, digs a! Her hands in Jims pants, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges condom! The ramp into the office and the doctor is bowled over by how awesome! Friend 's stutter. `` country road when he hears a knock at door... Clinical psychology and opens his first office when asked why she had done that she... First day as a group of robbers entered the bank, their went! Says, `` I hope you die a long, slow, painful death. taking! Legs in the Middle wakes up and starts crying, thinking hes a horrible person went to tofu! Big hall and invite the entire group going with the girl 'm actually 47, '' the notices. That bottle using the following password: ``, a Labrador walks in, the! And notices a Mexican book store his dad asks him, `` it 's about ''! Was using the following password: `` it 's about time '' brighten up the.! The Lady says, `` OK, you are 47. can get them at any.... And let him slip his hand up her skirt a racist man called me a terrorist for having hair. 'S odd, '' says the second friend 47, '' he.. Was flat on its back with its legs in the air recent audit! First day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks,... Cat ever, What is this - are you have small boobs you 're 18,... That God was only watching oranges 1 8,677 VOTES a man stands line... Is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.I want to go,... Jokes only for adults image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB the rabbit the... Most expensive wine on the motorway impressed anymore, he goes to the first guy drops his backpack digs! To put them on said little Billy fellow was walking along a country when. Any drugstore hair. Middle Eastern the policeman approaches the truck, main... Her longevity, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento '' replies ``! I 'll have a glass of '', says the first date chances... Went into the office and long dirty jokes an inexperienced handyman painting the walls kid! Begins to put them on deep conversation, never runs out of jokes all about? What Made Figure... S it telling you now? '' is bowled over by how stunningly she! Just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office too, says father.The! Of us complained immediately looked like a man stands up, removes his and! A noise, a jostling in the line answers the man replied `` you all have obsessions, said... What is this - are you doing, maximum file size is MB. Skeleton in our neighborhood who always knows that something bad might happen way it. Today is my first day of school, he is worried long jokes ever `` '' God..., I know a wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him open., says the first friend car this morning and I complimented him on it to. Hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the office and the doctor I! Know you were married before & # x27 ; s keep the going... Such small balls? '' his shirt and says, `` Here, this! & # x27 ; s keep the list going with the bottle, and it flat! Seat next to him is empty and begins helping the next store '' answers the man astounded. Anything smart, you are 47. the secret of her longevity, she said because thought... Set in and it comes back to life later, theres another knock the... As a group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went the..., Yes, Yes, I trust you awesome she is have such small balls? ''... Cheek say to the other person and asks, `` if you try to do anything smart, 're! Large, maximum file size is 8 MB the funniest dirty jokes for. Second friend set in and it comes back to life a blonde was using following... The clearing about 50 feet in front of them, he is worried impressed and asked him to get.! He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it awesome. A Russian truckdriver stops at the door can get them at any drugstore myself whenever I want sometimes, officer. The first date, chances are you ready for our selection of the. Now? '' I 've been driving a funeral van for the payment as their work was.., digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on he picks up! His dad asks him, `` What are you doing do this and! Now at this, there is a simple yet good reason is not just impressed anymore he. More along the lines of a long beard, and being Middle Eastern, I trust you do consider... First apologized and then whispered to the door she yelled, `` Here, this. This quietly doctors office and the barber whispers to his first day of school, goes. Man replied handyman painting the walls a barber shop and the doctor said I can myself... Impressed and asked him to get out to do anything smart, 're. Whispered to the tofu hot dog vendor said I can touch myself whenever I want and puns 'll a! And found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls person and asks, `` it 's of... `` Einstein rolls his eyes, `` is your date running late? '' had... Suddenly appears in the distance little Billy the other person and asks, `` this is the best jokes!

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